I fear water.

Even a slight imagination of a deepwater site doubles my heartbeat. As a kid, I was drowned in a canal or stream a couple of times, mom says. I have a vague memory of one of those incidents. I escaped death in both cases. I am glad I came out alive to write this blog *wink*.

To win over my aquaphobia (I don’t know if it’s actually a phobia but there’s a great amount of anxiety when I imagine myself underwater), I decided to learn swimming in 2019. For two weeks I just kept playing in 3-feet water. I would envy kids/women/men enjoying swimming in 6-feet.

I often think water could be a reason to my death in the future.

One day, our swimming teacher came to me and said a little louder, “Leena, bahut ho gya tumhara yeha khelna, kal se tum 6 feet par jump karogi… (Leena, you are done with playing around beginners’ section, you’ll be there in 6-feet from tomorrow). I almost got a heart attack.

I couldn’t sleep that night. I didn’t want the clock to hit 7 AM the next morning.

But… maybe that’s life.

I greeted good morning to the mentor and said, “Sir, mujhe paani se bahut darr lagta hai…” (sir, I extremely fear water). I looked helpless while saying this.

“Arey… tumhara darr bhaga denge sab… main kis liye baitha hoon” (Hey, chill… you’ll be fine… what am I here for!). “What am I here for” was a huge relief. I thought if someone has this trust that I would be fine, then why am I worried. I found myself a little excited.

He let us get used to with 6-feet for a few days. I tried to make myself comfortable with holding the handle inside the water and jump up and down. I thought pool water accepted my presence.

One day, sir told me, “Leena, jump and reach the next side of the pool…” Once again almost a heart attack. “Sir… I can’t…” was my response. “Are you crazy, don’t show me your drama!” he was louder and I was embarrassed. He took me to an edge of the pool and said, “You can do it, I know”. Again… “You can do it” sounded like a blessing. But I was scared. He paused for about 10 seconds and DARN… he pushed me in 6-feet water.

I don’t remember what happened for the next 15 seconds or so but when I was in my consciousness I saw the mentor screaming “Wah, Leena…” Other fellow swimmers were clapping for me. I did not know how did I do it, but I was happy too. That moment was not a win, it was the beginning of my struggle with water for a month. I somehow learned to swim but fear did not leave me. For a number of times, I got water upto my nose underwater, became restless, was scared to death, but felt an accomplishment every time I successfully crossed the length and width of the pool.

I always learned things hard way. In fact, we all do the same. And that’s where the real struggle is. Because the pool of life doesn’t come with inflatable floats.

(Originally published on April 15th, 2021)